Victimization—Freedom. When you put it all down
Wow, there is A LOT going on at the moment within this intense window of collective rebirthing. Potent times indeed!
Fun fact for those familiar with the Gene Keys: I have repeated expression of the glorious 55th in my profile. You know the one—the great transition from Victimization to Freedom—which we are all being initiated into at this time.
Hello fellow dragonflies ; )
And right now, there are tender parts of me that feel ready to address, express, release, transmute, and move forward—to put it all down, follow new biological cues and embody greater freedom.
So per usual, I am writing for my own sake and feel called to drop a messy time stamp at this vulnerable threshold.
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There have been many occasions where Life has slammed the door in my face—where the road, as it was, ended abruptly.
Where a severe mercy stepped in and ruthlessly terminated a cycle; a relationship; a belief; a way of being; a form of expression; that had worked for a while, until it didn’t. And it felt like the ground which I stood upon collapsed beneath my feet.
With practice, this has become slightly less catastrophic as I now know the lay of the land—there is Life on the other side of radical dissolution.
As painful as it may be, this sacred unraveling can be trusted. This thorough humbling is a gift that reveals itself in due time, and we learn to move with greater fluidity through the next dance.
Not everything that falls apart is inherently “bad”.
Perhaps there was beauty in the form or meaning in the service. Maybe there were elements of sweetness in the relationship or supportive aspects of the practice. The devotion may have been honest, yet maturity required a wider lens. Or the medicine that was life-saving could now be overwhelming the system with toxicity.
It’s not about rejecting or accepting any one thing.
As Solomon is quoted, “There is a time for everything under the sun.”
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But at some point, concretized form and crystallized identity will be annihilated if you walk the path of deep truth and real freedom—which is dynamic and ever changing.
This is evident in nature—clearing in the forest is required for new growth. The fire creates availability. The scorched remains foster fertility. And the gift of Nature regenerates, for that is its nature.
If not given permission for truthful shifting, those tightly held forms and static structures ultimately hinder: a deeper embodiment of Love; a more sovereign form of relating; a purer offering of service; and a fuller, more joy-filled experience of FREEDOM.
And sometimes, Life steps in and decimates these outdated forms before the mind and heart have a chance to get on board.
This is not punishment. It’s more like Grace with an ache and unfolds with precision and intelligence.
This is Life ushering us into greater alignment. This is Nature eliminating the superfluous. This is God making space for that divine spark within us to burn brighter.
And sometimes, what we hold the closest, must go.
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Believe me, God has no problem marching straight into our Holy of Holies and tearing down the alters we built in “His” name (bear with the metaphorical language).
Nothing is too precious to be deemed off-limits if it stymies the flow of purity or obstructs the inception of more advanced forms ready to come into being.
If you commit to the path of real embodiment, then every idol, every sacred cow, every concretized identity, every misplaced form of security, every belief that no longer serves, every distorted relationship, and every co-dependent hierarchy will fall and be seen for what it is. Ouchie.
This is the way of the Christ—I might add—the embodiment of that living current which dismantles the lifeless and answers only to Love itself! Prepare to ruffle feathers.
I would like to promise you that these shifts will be gentle. In my case, they most definitely were not.
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Recently I found myself at another tear-soaked threshold, contemplating: “Do I really want to continue on here, like this? Because the once ways no longer work, and I am exhausted, sad, empty.”
Like dry heave empty. Shave your head empty. Shamelessly sob at family gatherings empty.
Emotions that were mine (and plenty that were not) roiled within—seeking liberation, transmutation, freedom, completion.
My heart hurt, and I had to take responsibility for my part in cycles of abusive relationships—cheating, lying, theft, gas-lighting, manipulation, and conditional care all posing under the guise of “love”. How did I end up there!?! Gosh, to open your heart and body to another is a courageous thing, and I have earned a PhD in discernment by learning the hard way.
My deep capacity for compassion, and my ability to give and serve had to be purified, overhauled, rewired and placed within more coherent boundaries.
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My nervous system was collapsing.
24 years of chronic pain and extreme dis-ease gnawed at a completely depleted reserve. Multi-faceted issues and pain patterns flared. Every system in my body was screaming. I couldn’t sleep. Pain radiated through my teeth, across my face and within my jaw. My pelvis was on fire (not in a good way); hips ached; digestive system revolted; hair fell; skin itched; tendons tightened; muscles contracted. Good lord even my tongue and toenails hurt like hell!
I reached for the trusty ole tools of detox and discipline. “Time for another cleanse!” declared my inner Virgo.
They failed me, and I found myself in a dark spiral of binge eating and self harm urges. My body refused to toe the line and balked at any form of restriction.
A lot of butter was involved. And none of my clothes fit.
Not only did eating rules go out the window, but I couldn’t bring myself to lay on yet another unyielding object designed to break down fascia. My body was so tired of being poked, prodded, pressured—forced—in the name of healing. I could go on and on about all the things I have done to jumpstart my body into health, but it’s too long and boring to share here.
Tools that helped in the past now felt like weapons.
As anyone who has hit rock bottom knows, sometimes the only way up is through. This requires a beginner’s mind and a readiness to enter new territory.
My wise friend Emily reminded me, “You just have to put it all down.” The story, the tired routines, the outdated ways of navigating pain, fear and uncertainty… This includes the guilt, self-judgement and pervasive worry that something is inherently “wrong with me”.
I know this to be true from experience…. through other immersions in the dregs of life.
Even though it’s not the most fun stage, new biology, coherent impulses, and fresh wisdom from the source of your being are signaling deep change. In the wake of destruction, there is nacent spaciousness for powerful emergence.
In the breakdown, it becomes painfully evident that old ways of being that are no longer aligned cannot travel with you. The good news is that the pressure is propelling you into new and elevated forms of Life (just like the dragonfly 55th GK).
And here, during this messy, gooey stage where you don’t know which way is up or down, it’s time to embrace deep humility, trust, innocent experimentation and surrender. And sweatpants ; )
These are the keys to the kingdom and offer a new coordinate from which to orient.
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I am still navigating these challenges, but a lot of the erruption occurred within a highly pressurized family environment.
My family loves me, and cares deeply. But they always direct me back to what they know, to paradigms and pathways that no longer fit:
anti-depressants; immunosuppressants; antibiotics; sleep drugs; surgeries; medical experts; more traditional pathways of finance, career and relationship; and of course the big one, acknowledging before God that I am so depraved that I need the blood sacrifice of Jesus to atone for my wretchedness so that I won’t end up in hell for eternity.
Repent! And return to an ideological, cultural, religious straight and narrow. Well meaning on their end, but not helpful.
I have been there and done all of these things with the vigor of a type A, straight A student. Yet they all fell apart for me during other dark nights of the soul.
This phase I am going through now brings me to reflect on other massive shifts that required ultimate surrender and deep trust:
Exiting the church and a fundamentalist faith structure before it killed me… this was way before I knew of others on a “spiritual path”. Literally. This is coming from someone who felt called to be a missionary and perhaps die for Jesus from a very young age. I was a radical evangelical until 22. I prayed a very sincere prayer for God to strip me of any part of my ego that needed to go for me to be of greater service; Life deftly relieved the world of my righteousness through perfect storm after perfect storm ; ) But the shock and trauma of the collapse of such a calcified identity and worldview almost took me out.
Leaving hospital culture, lifetime meds, and a pathology of fear and suppression against the advice of those close to me—unplugging from a lineage of surgeons because the interventions were increasingly toxic, ineffective and the deeper wisdom of my body screamed for regeneration rather than palliative care.
Signing out of corporate life because my soul craved authenticity and work that felt meaningful, life-giving and aligned with my unique path and calling.
Moving beyond organized philanthropy, institutional finance, political mirages and a traditional career path, because what turned me on was bigger, wider, wilder and more in tune with the Whole. The Tree of Giving and Receiving was initiating me into a different experience of investing, sharing, service and resource flow.
Releasing the “dream” in South Africa because it was no longer in alignment, even though I wanted it to work out and had invested my very all in this version of partnership, family, community and land stewardship.
The list goes on but I’ll leave it there.
Bottom line—Life works for our liberation into greater freedom.
We can say it sucks (no spiritual bypassing!) but truly everything can support our deeper embodiment and ultimate blossoming if we let it… which is a gift.
I’ll close with this:
Rock bottom is a holy place—where we put down all assumptions, all patterns, all inherited and collected baggage because all fucks have been given, and it takes every ounce of our energy to keep the lights on and the ball moving forward.
We no longer have the luxury to silence our truth or shoulder other’s responsibility in order to keep the peace. We are forced into unflinching integrity because the reserves which allowed us to overcompensate are spent.
Blessings to everyone else in the throes of it. I know good things are ahead.
xxxxx